I don't know why I thought I would be a good parent. Truthfully, I don't think I really thought about what's actually required to be a good parent. Like with most things to do with having a baby, I didn't think deeply enough about this before I got into it. Having a family seems like the logical conclusion for so much in society, especially for women, but we're painted such a one-sided version of it that the reality can come as a shock. Especially as more women have babies later in life and we're used to our lifestyle. I think I always thought that I could be energetic and creative with a child. Enjoy playing games and making up stories, creating experiences for us. What I didn't think of was the amount of patience and self-control that's required in order to maintain an even front. The extreme level of cool-headedness needed.
I have a terrible temper. I've only just realised how much of a problem this is. How much my own parents didn't teach me to regulate my angry emotions. And now at nearly 40, I don't know how. On Christmas Day our son becomes very fussy towards the end of the afternoon just before dinner and starts up with this low level consistent whining; a noise of general dissatisfaction that really gets into your core. I'm approaching the end of my tether with it. I've probably had a glass too much of wine and start saying things like, you're ruining Christmas. He's 8.5 months old and of course can't understand this but I'm horrified I could even say something so cruel to him. How could I tell my own child that he's ruining Christmas?
In other moments, my anger and frustration spill over and I erupt with some sort of yelling. And then I realize what I've done and feel guilty, apologizing and asking for forgiveness. It all sounds so abusive and cyclical. I loathe this side of me and worry for the future when my son can understand language, behaviours and action. As kids, both Mom and Dad were liable to erupt at us. Mom was usually pretty even but when she got to the end of her tether, she could become very angry. Dad was just plain scary sometimes. He worked so much we didn't see a lot of him during the week. And then on the weekend, if we did something bad or irritating, he could lash out, banging the table and frightening all of us. Parenting styles were very different back then I guess. And occasionally terrifying your kids was seen as part of being strict; a tool for ensuring children abide by the rules. I think about this legacy of parenting often. A friend who was also pregnant at the same time as me once said that she thought she had enough lived experience and instinct to be a good parent. But for me, parenting is nothing like I've ever done before and nothing has prepared me for it except my experience of being parented to. And I'm not sure I want to be the same parent as my parents. Am I doomed to be? Can I change?
I scour the internet for techniques on controlling anger. There are good ones like counting down from five, or having some kind of sign or phrase that signals that you're approaching boiling point and need to calm down. But these seem like techniques for coping with older children and difficult to enact with a baby. This isn't the first time this has happened and I know it won't be the last. I wonder if there's something wrong with me? I look around at all the other families I pass in the street - do other people feel like this? Get this way? Does that mother in the Carhartt hat and puffer jacket, who looks so cool, also rage impotently at her precious infant? Frightening him and repulsing herself? If she does, I can only imagine it's the deep sense of shame that prevents her from talking about it with her mates. A shame I also feel.
I read an article about how the Inuit raise children not to yell when they get upset and consider anger a juvenile and unnecessary emotion. They say people from hot countries are fiery and emotional and so I guess it makes sense that people from somewhere so cold could be so controlled and restrained. I marvel at this self control and for a moment wish I had been raised in the cold tundra with equally cool and even parents. Taught from birth how to manage difficult emotions and how to always remain cool-headed.
Called a rainbow baby